Monthly Archives: June 2012

On Top Of It

Read not ‘the Times,’ but the eternities. -Thoreau

All I need to know about current events, I learned from Stephen Colbert.

Oreos Are Gay

In the 90s, it was all about figuring out which celebrity was gay, but it’s 20 freaking 12, Pride Month to boot and now even our products have sexual orientations and gender identities. So Oreos stood up at Sunday dinner last weekend and over the clinking of forks and second helpings of hamburger casserole announced in a bit of a tremolo that she is gay, a stone butch genderqueer lesbian, to be exact. Brother and Sister cheered, Dad however was not happy and now some Americans are even boycotting the cookie for releasing an image online of a rainbow-frosting-ed Oreo with the caption ‘Proudly Support Love.’ In the words of Steve Colbert though, what else were conservatives expecting from the ‘homosnackuals’ who have been encouraging ‘consensual double stuffing’ for years? ;P Gay, straight, bi or trans, Oreos remain delicious and they belong in my mouth forever…

Raise My Grades

Sometimes, things happen that are just so absurd, we must write them off as a joke, to preserve the delicate membrane of our sanity. Many thought it was an April Fool’s joke when Loloya, a California law school, announced that it would retroactively raise all of their students’ grades to make their graduates more attractive contenders in the struggling job market. All students after 2007 would enjoy an automatic grade increase, meaning a B- would become a B, a B+ an A-. I only have three questions– What about students whose grade is already an A+? Would their amp now go to eleven? And why not just raise all Loloya’s students grades to a 4.0? (Or is that when it starts to be wrong?)

And the Da Fuq Award Goes To

Arizona! Yay, you win! This is not the worst law in the world… this is just a tribute. A new Arizona law now calculates pregnancy as starting not when the sperm and the egg meet, but two weeks before, that is to say at the first day of the last menstrual cycle of the woman. This is to reduce the available window for abortions–and apparently, doctors are now immune from any lawsuits arising from a failure to advise a woman to have an abortion. (So, if a doctor determined that having a baby would be extremely harmful to your health, but due to personal ideologies decided to keep this info from you, and you died, he or she is home free.)

See for yourself:

Oreos

Loloya

Arizona

And Stephen Colbert, oh please click, it will be the funniest and most informative two hours of procrastination you’ve ever indulged in.

Infinite Jest II

It’s 1:44 am in Munich Germany. Do you know what your kids are doing?

Whatever it is, I hope to god they’re not scumbling. O_O

detail from a pic that required scumbling

Otherwise known as the act of moving the side of your colored pencil’s very finely sharpened tip in a careful, circular motion over the paper to achieve nice subtle values shifts while you pump bad techno music into your ears. It takes so much time that I definitely can’t recommend it for people who have a life.

In other mews, I’m reading a book.

Scratch that.

I am in a relationship with a book.

Like, we spend time with each other every day and he teaches me words so million dollar, not even WordPress has them in its spell-check, candent and neurasthenic and bilirubic, and he frustrates me to no end (the book seems to me to be of the male persuasion) and he can be very long winded sometimes (oh god, just now, he is carrying on about a game he used to play with his tennis buddies during the teenage years, a sort of ‘Risk’ on angel-dust experience, I could die it’s so boring, this description, but he is just so smart and funny and full of soul that even though we’re utterly incompatible and I have already cheated on him with at least three other books since we started going out (not to mention the thousands of people he has on the side of me, at this very moment, sniiff, how could you, IJ!) well, despite all these obstacles, I cannot help but love him and love him.

Or in the very least, never forget him.

David Foster Wallace said that fiction and literature were tools to combat the loneliness inside, and when I read Infinite Jest, I believe him.  Trying to tell someone what it’s about… it’s like trying to tell someone what life is about really–everything and nothing. It has the universe between the covers.

You can check out my lover here.

<3

Rolling Stone

I’m talking to the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to make a change. This random sketch brought to you by W, coffee graphite, and Michael Jackson.

What’s good, moofs? How are you? Me well… everything’s been so busy lately. I was in Hungary last week and New York this last weekend… Every time I travel to the states I make a vow never to travel to the States again. The hassle! The questions. I’m sick of all these fucking questions that have nothing to do with anything. Or they have to do with something, but they are so transparent and asinine, I could fall on my knees. Please! Can we stop this retarded mating dance and can you just come out and ask me, man to man?

ARE YOU A TERRORIST? DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING WANTING TO HARM OUR CREW OR PLANE ON YOUR PERSON OR IN YOUR BAG THAT WE HAVE MISSED AFTER WE HAVE INAPPROPRIATELY TOUCHED YOUR BODY ALL OVER AND HAVE RIFFLED THOUGH ALL YOUR SHIT??

Why can’t they just ask that? Do they think burying the question under ten other ones will catch anyone off their guard?

-Did you pack your own bags?
-Was anyone standing near you while you packed your bags?
-Did anyone ask you to pack anything for you?
-Were you by any chance high or drunk when you were packing your own bags, thus introducing the possibility that you do not remember if you have packed your own bags yourself?
-Do you like the color blue?
-Are you following ‘Game of Thrones’?
-Have you ever eaten fried chicken at midnight?
-How long have you been in this country?
-How did you get to the airport this morning?
-What do you do in this country?
-What do you do for a living?
-Point to the person who asked you to pack something illegal for them in your bag.
-What do you, what do you, what do you….

Guh, seriously, I could puke.

But then I go to the states and it’s so nice to see everyone again and we have our silly times and old friends that I forget all my vows and next time I’m gnashing my teeth again. Anyway. I have a billion things to do before we leave tomorrow, bright and early to trudge off to the puma den, so all y’all wish me luck please, though you know it wouldn’t be Italy if some shit didn’t go down… Thankfully we’re taking some buffer friends, including trusty Uncle Fail and my Hungarian buddy. I will not hesitate to use either of them as a meat shield, should the need arise.