What’s good, moofs? How are you? Me well… everything’s been so busy lately. I was in Hungary last week and New York this last weekend… Every time I travel to the states I make a vow never to travel to the States again. The hassle! The questions. I’m sick of all these fucking questions that have nothing to do with anything. Or they have to do with something, but they are so transparent and asinine, I could fall on my knees. Please! Can we stop this retarded mating dance and can you just come out and ask me, man to man?
ARE YOU A TERRORIST? DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING WANTING TO HARM OUR CREW OR PLANE ON YOUR PERSON OR IN YOUR BAG THAT WE HAVE MISSED AFTER WE HAVE INAPPROPRIATELY TOUCHED YOUR BODY ALL OVER AND HAVE RIFFLED THOUGH ALL YOUR SHIT??
Why can’t they just ask that? Do they think burying the question under ten other ones will catch anyone off their guard?
-Did you pack your own bags?
-Was anyone standing near you while you packed your bags?
-Did anyone ask you to pack anything for you?
-Were you by any chance high or drunk when you were packing your own bags, thus introducing the possibility that you do not remember if you have packed your own bags yourself?
-Do you like the color blue?
-Are you following ‘Game of Thrones’?
-Have you ever eaten fried chicken at midnight?
-How long have you been in this country?
-How did you get to the airport this morning?
-What do you do in this country?
-What do you do for a living?
-Point to the person who asked you to pack something illegal for them in your bag.
-What do you, what do you, what do you….
Guh, seriously, I could puke.
But then I go to the states and it’s so nice to see everyone again and we have our silly times and old friends that I forget all my vows and next time I’m gnashing my teeth again. Anyway. I have a billion things to do before we leave tomorrow, bright and early to trudge off to the puma den, so all y’all wish me luck please, though you know it wouldn’t be Italy if some shit didn’t go down… Thankfully we’re taking some buffer friends, including trusty Uncle Fail and my Hungarian buddy. I will not hesitate to use either of them as a meat shield, should the need arise.