Oh My Fucking God II.

I’m in Japan.
I’d post a picture to prove it, but I can’t right now. So you’ll just have to take my word for it, but I’m in Japan.
I don’t know… ever since I’ve arrived, I’ve just wanted to cry and I can’t. I haven’t cried in a long time it feels like, I want to, there is this horrible pressure inside and maybe if I did it would go away or at least be somewhat relieved, but for now, we are going here and there, it has been so long since I’ve been here before, and back then it felt like I could maybe belong to this place if I tried really hard, but now it doesn’t feel like that any more.

Sometimes, I am very afraid, like I can’t see the future of my life. I suppose nobody’s life really has a future, or alternatively, all of us know what the ultimate future is, but sometimes, I feel so sick and so scared, I don’t know what to do. I was telling J about it, it’s like a hand on the throat and while the hand is there, I can’t think of anything else, just taking sips of water, and counting to one thousand and breathe in and breathe out and telling myself little stories to not be scared of senseless shit anymore. ‘Once upon a time, in a faraway land there was a king and there was a queen and they loved each other very much, but one day, the queen became very ill and the king was so scared for her life, he called for the best doctors in the land…’

I’ve paced up and down sick on the streets of four continents. Junkie sweat pouring out, shivers, sweats, diarrhea, murmuring, moaning, pacing, pacing, and being scared of nothing and it seems to be getting worse as I get older. Like, the older I get too, I can’t take people anymore… For every hour I spend with someone, I need an hour alone, and there is no time to be alone. Now I’m at my mother in law’s house in Japan, sweet jesus, don’t get me started, You can’t have a friggin’ cup of coffee without it being a Broadway production and as soon as she sees you, it’s how you’ve been, who’ve you seen, where you’ve been, what choo know, oh and since you’re here! Can you bring x, peel y, chop z, take a to b point, no, no, no, I can’t do anything, I’m completely helpless, I feel like fleeing into my room like some paparazzi prey. Haha, too bad my wall separating me from her is literally paper. Behind her eyes, I can always see the question, why is this person so fucking rude, and the answer is, I need you to take a good meter back. Please, stand back. I need you to leave me alone. I have a feminine exterior, well I didn’t choose that and even if I had a more masculine exterior it doesn’t mean I want to help you fix your roof or your car because I’m not your servant and I’m not your friend and I’m only over here because my guy wants to visit you and it would be nice if just once you could prepare a meal for four people without needing six people to help you out. Is it really that hard?

Why aren’t you eating, are you okay, are you feeling all right, oh my, you’re always so tired, why are you always so tired? And in the background is Japan, all warm and dripping and making me sad and behind that is being sick and the shit in my head I wish I could wipe out.

15 responses to “Oh My Fucking God II.

  1. well Sweetie….a couple slices of Cicero’s “Bakers Pride” pizza and you’ll be good to go :

    • Jesus Christ, Uncle R????
      You read my blog??? How are you doing?? Thanks, that’s exactly what I need, haha, a few slices of Cicero’s to set the pipes right.
      I’ll be coming by with my friend at the end of November, she really wants to see SF and I hope then that we can drop by and visit you and Lynn (hope I’m spelling that right…)
      and maybe grab some slices together. Take care until then and thanks for writing!

  2. Oh gosh moof i want you to hang on and focus on the good stuff. How long do you have to stay there? You focus on that loving husband of yours and the little nazgul….they are your future…cherish them and try to ignore all the other noise. If there is anyone who can relate to dragon in laws its me. Dont let her make you even sicker or else she wins! Hope you come back home soon.

    • Hey P– We’re coming home at the end of the week. It’s a relief, but it’s also sad. Thanks for all your well-wishes. I will stay positive, well, that’s easy when you’re feeling good… not so easy in the dark hours, but thanks for being there ~__~ You’re the best!

  3. geez moof. hope you are ok. maybe a few soothing ales will help as well. :)

    • Lol, god, I want to get drunk MB, but with my stomach right now it’s not possible, but soon. Oh soon. I have a trip to Amsterdam scheduled, I will just look at naked girls in windows and get high, wonderful ,3 Hope you’re well in Sydney!!

  4. Gosh Moofie,
    I love the immediacy in your writing. It’s so powerful. Your anxiety is palpable. I hope it that writing this helped. I think writing is a lifesaver myself.. .Being creative in general.
    And you Moofie are an artist! Make art. Write. Make more art. Write more… <3
    Maybe pop over to my blog for a little meditation…

  5. Dear Karen– I haven’t been over to your place in too long. ^^ I’ll be home in a few days and then I have time to be on the computer again. I will visit your nature…!!! [You had some lichens a few posts back I really wanted to draw... ~_~] in the meantime, thanks always for your support <3

  6. Oh you poor thing! Sometimes what helps when you get super anxious/sad is to just take a few deep breaths, look around you and realise that everything right now, in this exact minute is ok… Failing that, get amongst some of that Japanese surf ;)

    • A good friend calls it living in the moment. Says, it doesn’t have to be THIS moment, if this moment sucks… pick a better one in the past, or in the future. ^__^ The Japanese surf did help, and the food. Oh god, the food.
      Thanks always for writing, Fieldey <3

  7. Hello.. Been following you words n art for a bit… As a artist i always look for other art.. Came across you page n fell for your art then words. I have wanted to finish the peice n send u a pic being that words can be over rated at times… But cant send it on this. I tattoo for a living and have put one of ur peices on me.. My way of collecting ur art i guess.. But with my words i say thank u n keep up ur awesomness.. -Bri

    • Dear Bri,

      Okay, so you got something I drew tattooed… onto your body?
      You know that shit’s forever, right? ~_~
      Ahaha, dear darling crazy man (woman?) I’m just kidding but seriously now I’m dying
      to know what it looks like!! I will write you personally but wow! What a message! You’ve got me grinning like an idiot.
      Dammmn, thank you so much for your encouragement and I feel so weirdly close to you now. Big hug <3 <3 <3 and when I'm in your area I'll have to pop in and have you tattoo something onto me. Take care!

    • Dear Bri once more….
      I tried writing you personally (I can see your email address in the IP info), but the email bounced back to me >< so if you see this message, if you would be so kind as to send me a link (or submit a picture) of the tattoo at ourattrition.tumblr.com (my tumblr) I would be so happy to see it (of course, I won't post it or share it with anybody if you wish to keep it private). Thanks so much!!!!

  8. If you’re going to Amsterdam, a little sojourn in a tea shop will brighten things up :)

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