If I were king, porn stores would have normal store fronts and toy stores would be hidden via inky tinted windows and their signs would read nothing so brazen like “Toys” or “Toy Store” but swathed in dark euphemisms such as “Accoutrement for the Still-Developing Human.”
The Corridor of Despair and Public Flagellation (known to normal childless people as the Check Out Lane) would be candy, chocolate and small toy free.
Popularized children’s characters, such as Hello Kitty and Despicable Me Minions would NOT be allowed on the packaging of products having inherently nothing to do with kitties or yellow minions. Especially not kitties and minions.
If lives are movies, in the flick “Raising Nazghul,’ I’m the cop who lightly fingers the tazer because you were doing 38 in a 35 zone. J’s the cop who pulls you over at 50 in a 35, smiles winsomely and says… well. You probably had your reasons. I’ll let you off with a warning. ~_~
At some point though, even the strict parent feels the panic of being in a public place with pants down, tantrum imminent and then supporting Big Useless Plastic Toy and Big Candy Bar become tempting quick solutions to the Big Questions people have been asking since the dawn of Civilization.
What is the good life?
To be or not to be?
Hello Kitty or goodbye dignity? Sanity? Humanity? Manatee? Herbal tea?
That becomes the question.
There’s this mall near our house. I’m not a mall fan, but it rains a lot where I live and my kid has a golden retriever personality. Every day he needs a long walk in which to try to find all the gold he would want to retrieve. If it’s raining, I take him to this mall sometimes. It seems like a good idea–a big, long enclosed space he presumably can’t escape from with plenty of little espresso bars per capita and enough upscale women’s clothing stores to keep us both out of trouble.
Except. Ground floor. Smack in the right carotid of the mall, pulsing like a malignant growth. Mother of God. A Teddy Bear Store. Where you make your own teddy bear and they stuff it for you. (!!!!) With an enormous Teddy Bear Stuffing Machine, big as a cotton gin, purring right in the middle of the establishment. And those scoundrels, do you think they care about public decency and order? Burn me if they do! Far from being wrapped in all black, like an enormous Birthday Present from Satan Himself, warning parents for miles around of the potential for breakdown in public peace and order, this place is blinking flashing lights and GREETERS! standing with sample bears to lure you in. The greeters are generally late teenage girls who look like they Love Children and hate everyone else.
[Far from what many people think, some parents actually STILL hate toddlers screaming and spinning on the ground. Even when it's their own toddler. And they would like nothing more but to give you a quiet shopping experience.... it's just so hard.....
The childless: Then why did you have kids to begin with?!
The breeders: Mergghghghghghg???? Because my p-nus told me it would be a good idea? ::makes dying walrus sound:: ]
I reproduced because dying walrus sound, okay?! Don’t judge me ;___;
I think I’ve had nightmares about walking by that store. By now, I have a total alternative route mapped out if we go to the mall, just to avoid that trucking store, except Big Teddy Bear is Cunning. He worms himself into the very heart of the mall right next to the tasty sausage stand and fresh juice stand ;____; The Hn’M is close to there too…. I need vitamins and cheap hats… :<<< I love nitrated meats….
I wouldn’t even MIND buying something for the little minion, but kids don’t care, it’s just about the chase. As soon as you broke down and bought them something, a toddler will enjoy it for about two minutes, toss it on the writhing pile of Hello Kitty Charred Sacrifice Corpses and set their beady eyes on the next victim. It doesn’t stop.
IT DOESN’T STOP.
I don’t even know how to end this entry.
Do you feel the paranoia?