These messages were sent while you were offline.
i love you… and maybe i’m wrong… but i just don’t trust you anymore.
I would write you an email, but that would put pressure on you to respond.
So I write here. You’ll probably never read this, but if you do, it will be because you looked for me and not because I forced you to. It’s not hard to find anyone anymore these days. Nobody disappears. And then I’ll know you wanted to read this and wasn’t compelled by your inbox.
I’ll just say that I miss you and it’s hard.
What have I done to abuse your trust? I don’t know. I told you how I was feeling–when I was feeling good. And when I was feeling very bad. I tried to be there for you when you needed me, not as much as I could have, maybe, and not as much as is possible from such a distance. But I tried and kept in touch with you better than any other friend. More than my family even. I considered you to be my family, and still do.
To me, that means that there is nothing you can do, could ever do, that would make me not want to speak to you again. Nothing.
And it hurts that that is obviously not how you feel about me.
You think I am hard, unfeeling, opportunistic? You can tell me to my face? Well, I’m not made out of stone.
You think I have an easy life– I don’t seem grateful enough for all the good things that have happened to me. Maybe, on that point, you are right. My life is Easy, I was born Lucky–definitely. But there are always more fortunate and less fortunate people. I find people who feel guilty about their privileges silly–starving people can’t eat guilt and lonely people can’t lay next to guilt at night. Guilt = useless.
I try, in my own way, to work hard. To bring a little happiness to people I know. And I try to enjoy the one life I have. That’s not much of a life philosophy, but it’s the best I can do.
I enjoy it much less without you around, that’s for sure.
Sometimes, I get very angry. I think go get fucked, why do *I* have to wait around for you? Have I ever made you wait? For me? Maybe you say ‘yes, you have. Many times’. But if I did, it was never intentional. The difference is, if I hurt people, or you, it is out of distraction–never cruelty. I am distracted, selfish, bored, scared a lot of times–but I am not vicious.
I am sorry.
I am also not sorry. Sometimes, I miss you enough that I think I’ll just call you and say: Whatever I did, I’m sorry! Whatever I did wrong, I won’t do it again! Let’s just talk, please! But what would that do, if you have a problem with me?
This is who I am. It is always who I am. I did not change recently–incrementally, psyches shift when you’ve known someone for almost two decades, but the core of myself is the same, like the core of yourself is the same, I believe. I don’t ask you to change yourself for me, and believe me, being your friend wasn’t always easy either. But I never felt like it was a sacrifice or a burden to be with you. True friendship means accepting everything–true, soul friendship, where you know every shadow in someone. Not just the happy things. Not just an empty chat at a cafe.
Though I do miss talking with you at a cafe, very much.
Take care, please.
If you can’t forgive me, what can I do?… but life is short.
I wish you would change your mind.
I love you too.