Read not ‘the Times,’ but the eternities. -Thoreau
All I need to know about current events, I learned from Stephen Colbert.
Oreos Are Gay
In the 90s, it was all about figuring out which celebrity was gay, but it’s 20 freaking 12, Pride Month to boot and now even our products have sexual orientations and gender identities. So Oreos stood up at Sunday dinner last weekend and over the clinking of forks and second helpings of hamburger casserole announced in a bit of a tremolo that she is gay, a stone butch genderqueer lesbian, to be exact. Brother and Sister cheered, Dad however was not happy and now some Americans are even boycotting the cookie for releasing an image online of a rainbow-frosting-ed Oreo with the caption ‘Proudly Support Love.’ In the words of Steve Colbert though, what else were conservatives expecting from the ‘homosnackuals’ who have been encouraging ‘consensual double stuffing’ for years? ;P Gay, straight, bi or trans, Oreos remain delicious and they belong in my mouth forever…
Raise My Grades
Sometimes, things happen that are just so absurd, we must write them off as a joke, to preserve the delicate membrane of our sanity. Many thought it was an April Fool’s joke when Loloya, a California law school, announced that it would retroactively raise all of their students’ grades to make their graduates more attractive contenders in the struggling job market. All students after 2007 would enjoy an automatic grade increase, meaning a B- would become a B, a B+ an A-. I only have three questions– What about students whose grade is already an A+? Would their amp now go to eleven? And why not just raise all Loloya’s students grades to a 4.0? (Or is that when it starts to be wrong?)
And the Da Fuq Award Goes To
Arizona! Yay, you win! This is not the worst law in the world… this is just a tribute. A new Arizona law now calculates pregnancy as starting not when the sperm and the egg meet, but two weeks before, that is to say at the first day of the last menstrual cycle of the woman. This is to reduce the available window for abortions–and apparently, doctors are now immune from any lawsuits arising from a failure to advise a woman to have an abortion. (So, if a doctor determined that having a baby would be extremely harmful to your health, but due to personal ideologies decided to keep this info from you, and you died, he or she is home free.)
See for yourself:
And Stephen Colbert, oh please click, it will be the funniest and most informative two hours of procrastination you’ve ever indulged in.